I knew just about everybody on the Yard, and I was skeptical of his claim of abuse.
I remembered that Michael had a reputation in our circle of friends for being overly dramatic. After a few minutes, we rounded the track past the handball courts and came up to a row of picnic benches on the south side of the Yard.
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He took it like I was trying to create some privacy for us, but in truth, I was stalling for time. In my seven years of incarceration, I had never been propositioned for sex, let alone pressured. If he was making this up, what did he hope to get out of such an embarrassing story?
Slowly, Michael began to tell me what had happened, starting very early on in his life. Beatings with extension cords, whole days locked in the closet. It seemed like everybody in his life either hated him or was indifferent. By this time, I realized Michael was not lying about the guy pressuring him. I also realized that Michael might be gay and therefore, according to my way of thinking at the time, shared some blame for what he was going through. So does the guy pressuring you.
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I was extremely uncomfortable at this point. And to top if off, he was unapologetic about it. Still, Michael was a friend of mine. In that lifestyle, predators come after you. Especially in prison.
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L ooking back, I now realize that, like many survivors of childhood abuse and neglect — so many of whom are in prison — Michael was well-acquainted with shame. My response, which was to blame him, was as familiar to him as his name. Over the next few months, Michael and I had many more talks. Though I prided myself on being a compassionate Christian, I never missed a chance to subtly attack him for his sins.
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And since my attacks fit the ashamed self-image that he had internalized as a child, we slipped seamlessly into our new roles. Perhaps two years after our conversation, Michael propositioned a friend of his. The guy attacked Michael in the middle of the dayroom. It took three guards and a full can of pepper spray to pull them apart. They took Michael to the hole, and he never came back. By , he was a distant memory.
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