‘I Was a 4-Year Queer’: 15 Straight(ish) People on Their Gay Time in College
It was the riot-grrrl phase. Lesbianism was thought of as being really powerful. A lot of women I knew were strippers by choice. The first time I kissed a girl was in the backseat of a taxi.
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We ended up going home together. There were guys in the car, as well. People think girls do this to titillate guys, but I actually think it just made us feel safer, acting as if we were doing it for them — and we definitely had an audience — but we were really doing it for ourselves. For a while, that made me wonder if I were gay.
I was very curious, sexually, and had like a hundred lovers before I was I probably fooled around and made out with around six women in college. My husband and I have never strayed, but we did have a hot-tub party where I kissed girls. Evening out dancing and going home, regrettably sans-female companionship. My buddy was giving me a ride. I cannot remember the conversation up to that point, but I told him to lick me raw. So we went into a house under construction and traded oral sex on a large bolt of insulation still wrapped in plastic.
Just going at it. He started on me first. I kept trying to imagine it was one of the girls I was interested in at the time. Working the fantasy. Instead, too much teeth. Also razor stubble was a fantasy breaker. My turn: Not as gross as I thought it would be; rather, I thought I did a very good job, trying to reproduce what I like. My one and only experience. Just not for me. We remained friends.
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He approached me a couple of times more but took the rejection well. The ultimate sleepover. That made me think I was exclusively gay. So I was really excited to go off to college in London and experiment. At first, I only hooked up with men. My first boyfriend — when I was 18 — was a year-old professor. For me, a long-term, live-in relationship with a woman is like the ultimate sleepover for the chatty, sensitive little boy I was.
I sometimes kiss guys at clubs and trade videos with gay friends. My girlfriend and I talk about it. I was the token straight girl. I was a serious feminist and lefty at Harvard, and I thought it would be so great if I were a lesbian, too. I had a lot of political and theoretical interest in it. I did get a lot of crushes on power dykes in the lefty community. In my senior year, I was the token straight girl volunteering for a sexual orientation support group and ended up having a fling with a lesbian there. But I more or less concluded that I preferred boys.
When I tried dating girls after that, I would end up sleeping with their brothers and stuff like that. I dated a lot of men and eventually married a man and had children. A lot of my sex with men felt like play-acting. Then, in my 40s, I fell in love with my best friend and we left our husbands for each other. Sexually, being with a woman is way better in every possible way for me. She ruined me. I went to one of the Seven Sisters schools, and had all these powerful female professors — some of them nuns.
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Half the bathroom graffiti was about dykes. When I was 20, I met Lanie. I thought she was fantastic. So funny, smart, and beautiful — a tall, lanky, dark-haired Italian beauty. Our first kiss was in the rain, so romantic. I think she walked me home that evening and we kissed in a doorway.
I can remember the light above. I liked her so much. Everyone should have a first love like that. Part of me thinks that, even now, at 52, it could still happen with a woman. It just never did again. She ruined me for life. She taught me how to put on lipstick.
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In grad school, I had a friendship with a lesbian that veered into romance. She had a fantastic sense of humor and literary talent, and that was appealing. Also, she was very slim, which has always been an elusive goal of mine. A fun game that we shared. I was the top of the food chain. That community felt very comfortable for me. Sisterhood and all of that. And bartenders were at the top of the food chain, so I got a lot of attention I might not have otherwise gotten. I dated a few women and then had a girlfriend. We danced together a lot.
I was totally convinced I was a lesbian. I was boy crazy in high school, but I went to U. But then I decided I wanted to pursue women. We danced for hours and went home together. We ended up moving in together. For a good year, I was totally convinced I was a lesbian.
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One guy I dated after Sara knew about my past with women and kept proposing threesomes. I had to backtrack, big time. I went to college as a totally out lesbian. I do everything really full-out. I even took my girlfriend to my high-school prom in Houston, Texas.