Alvin Tuling, 37, has always been reserved and shy. He admits he is not as openly gay as some of his friends are. Tuling comes from the Philippines, a country populated mostly by Catholics. There, being gay comes with a price of stereotyping and sometimes discrimination. Perhaps this was the reason why he has never been open about his sexuality. As he began to understand his sexuality even more, Tuling started exploring online dating sites. This was where he met Morten Nielsen, a Dane. They met, fell in love and got married.
My family did not have any problems that I have chosen to marry Alvin. For Tuling, Denmark has lived up to its reputation of being one of the most gay-friendly countries in the world, and a forerunner in liberal acceptance of the LGBTQ community. Denmark also became the first country in the world to recognise same-sex partnerships in Same-sex marriages were legalised in July ILGA Europe.
Sabaah spokesperson Fahad Saeed says that the government has been slow in identifying and responding to hate crimes and hate speeches against the LGBTQ community. In , the Office for Democratic Institutions and Human Rights reported a total of hate crimes in Denmark as recorded by the police. Racism and xenophobia were the most commonly cited motivations for hate crimes, followed by bias against Muslims, and bias against LGBTQ people.
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Police are not sensitive enough to recognise these issues. In a study conducted by the National Institute of Public Health, one in three lesbian or bisexual women experienced sexual violence, while one in five have considered suicide. Only one in every 12 heterosexual people surveyed considered suicide.
Successful transition As the Danish LGBTQ community faces its own multiple challenges in society, immersion and transition can prove to be even more difficult for gay foreigners and refugees. But there is always a way to cope. In return, Danish men could provide exchange courses in the things they do well: And, darling Pia, it just might cut the immigration rate.
Plenty of men will choose another destination when they find out that in Denmark, they must help do the dishes. On my very first night in Copenhagen, I went with an American girlfriend to a downtown discotheque.
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We sat at a table roughly the size of a pizza. Three men sat across from us, a distance of approximately 25 centimeters. For an hour. Without saying anything. I think Zulus or spacemen would have found some way to communicate with us, but this was apparently beyond the capability of three well-educated Danes.
Finally, fortified by gin and tonics, we spoke to them first, and they turned out to be nice guys. But that was a lucky night: Since moving here, I have been to many a discoteque where women shake their booty with their girfriends for hours while men watch with pretend disinterest from the sidelines, their eyes radiating invisible beams of desire: Please, miss, ask me to dance.
Dating in Denmark How do Danish men and women meet each other? I know it happens; the streets are full of Danish babies. For one thing, Danish people seem to think that talking to strangers is uncouth.
What men want of course, is the same thing that has produced a world population currently approaching 7 billion. Yet you see Danish men and women in parks in the summer, sitting alone on blankets, or in cafes in the winter surrounded by their buddies or girlfriends with their hair carefully gelled, lonely and horny but contemptous of anyone who dares to approach. Extreme drunkenness is socially acceptable The icebreaker of course, is alcohol, and I have little doubt that if it vanished from the Earth tomorrow Danes would never reproduce. Extreme drunkeness seems to be the accepted way to meet that special someone, as explained to me in the days when I still was seeking a Danish boyfriend.
Then in the morning you decide if you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. This one-night stand culture is very difficult for foreigners to understand. One-night stands certainly take place in the US, but it is something unusual and embarassing, like making a lot of money in Denmark. What do we tell the kids? Here, drunken sex with a complete stranger seems to be the hopeful prelude to a serious relationship, possibly marriage. If children result from this, it is hard to imagine what their parents tell them about the night Mom and Dad first met.
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Which leads me back to dancing. Here is what I have learned: She will quite likely say yes, if only in a misguided audition for the role of girlfriend, leaving you both a little sad and bitter the next morning. Long ago, before I ever thought of living here, a Danish woman told me that her country was a place with a lot of sex but not very much love. I wonder. When I first came to Denmark, people kept asking me what I thought about Danish men. It seemed like a weird question. I soon learned their interest in Danish men was a variation on the famous German saying: Man spricht uber das, was man nicht hat.
There are NOT a lot of men in Denmark, although there is quite a bounty of tall, timid boys. While the culture of egalitarianism has done some great things for Denmark — where else will you see tattooed musclemen pushing baby carriages? Danish men seem too timid to do anything that makes men men, such as taking risks, taking initiative, or enjoying the pure thrill of the chase.
Either that, or worse, he will sit home and sulk about it. Last year, I briefly dated a good-looking triathlete, a guy with a hot job and a fancy car, the kind of guy that in New York would have arrogance preceding him into the room like a bad after shave. Three days after a single unreturned phone call, I got a tremulous email from him.
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For a girl used to American macho, this was about as expected like John Wayne asking for second coat of nail polish. This is not to say that American men are perfect: The women do everything: Imagine John Wayne saying that. I know that when you choose to live in a foreign country, as I have, you must learn to adapt to local culture. I have learned that expecting a door to be held open for me is an invitation to get hit in the face with a door.
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I have struggled home with large packages while male neighbors just cheerfully wave hello. Wearing high heels and a skirt, I have wrestled my bike out from a pile of collapsed junkers while hefty workmen smoked cigarettes against the bike rack.
Three months ago, my co-workers set me up on a blind date with a year old man Danish man who had built a successful international company. We arranged to meet in a small cafe downtown, and since I was there a bit early, I got a cup of coffee and sat alone at a table near the door. Apart from the waiter and a group of elderly Swedes, I was the only one in the place. My date arrived on time, and when I saw him coming through the door, I was pleased. He was a real looker, tall and athletic. He saw me, smiled, and went to the bar. Fair enough, I thought.
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Or, as I now suspect, was he simply waiting for me to make the first move? Was he waiting for me to get up from the table where I was sitting, walk across the room carrying my unfinished coffee , and introduce myself? Wonderful got up and left. What do I think of Danish men? I have heard that they are wonderful, that they are warm, funny, thoughtful, and sexy.
I hear that they are the prototype for men of the 21st century. I am looking forward to meeting one. How To Date in Denmark. A guide for the foreign man. Get the How to Work in Denmark Book for more tips on finding a job in Denmark, succeeding at work, and understanding your Danish boss. It can be ordered via Amazon or Saxo. Contact Kay to ask about bulk purchases, or visit our books site to find out how to get the eBook. You can also book a How to Work in Denmark event with Kay for your school, company, or professional organization. Want to read more?
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“If you’re gay and brown”: Life as a gay immigrant in Denmark
Follow our How to Live in Denmark Facebook page to keep informed. February 17, by Kay Xander Mellish. A guide for the foreign woman. Denmark and the Exotic Foreign Man. Kissing courses in France Maybe, instead of importing romantic manpower, we could train Danish men to do better. May 13, by Kay Xander Mellish. April 13, by Kay Xander Mellish. Not John Wayne. And he did sit down. He sat down at the bar, and took to looking out the doorway. He sat there. I sat there.