By setting white people as the standard, people of color are seen as others. We are commoditized and fetishized, then discarded when we're no longer needed. It's complicated — you may not mean to be racist or to hurt anyone's feelings, but it doesn't make your behavior any less racist, and this isn't about your sensitivities. You already came out. That was hard enough.
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Now what if you bring a black dude home? Who wants to rock that Thanksgiving gravy boat? It'd be easier to just bring home a boy that looks and acts like you. I mean, you just got "bring your special friend" to Christmas privileges last year! They do it because people of color are beautiful, but they also do it because it can be safer. It can protect them from experiences of racism, abuse, and fetishization in their relationships. Dating within our own race has spared us from the glares of your friends and family when you bring us around, the microaggression that is your sister asking to touch our hair and your friends asking if we know how to swim the weekend you bring us to your share in Fire Island.
Perpetuating, defending, and advertising this kind of casual racism inhibits the liberation of people of color from oppression. It takes a lot of work to confront these beliefs. It is a privilege to be able to debate racism instead of experiencing it your whole life. Phillip Henry is a writer, comedian, advocate, and performer in New York City. His writing can be seen in various publications including Teen Vogue and Mic.
But alas, we only have time for one cup of tea today. So sip on this: Tags evergreen racism dear gay white men DGWM. Read More. Comics Are Queerer Than Ever. Some friends have hooked up with me thinking only about the chance to see a big dick or because they imagine that black guys are better in bed. They've played with my hair and 'complimented' me on my sexual performance because I'm black. They've also forced me into having anal sex several times and said that 'black people can handle the pain better.
On apps, I try to talk with people, and I'm just treated badly or blocked because they say they don't like black guys. I've also had various people flirt or joke with me because of the size of my penis, because people have this idea that black men are well endowed, which isn't always true. The gay community claims to fight for equal rights, but actually, people only think about themselves, treating the guys that aren't normative and white badly.
They say they find me interesting or that I'm 'different. They didn't even want to touch me. Because I have an athletic body, it seems like I have license to be the well-endowed active partner. Like, it's impossible for me to also be passive, because apparently gay black men are only supposed to have big dicks. I've never managed to have a lasting relationship, even because of those reasons. I think the idea that most gay men have about relationships is very Instagram-like and Americanized, you know?
Sexual racial preference
I realized that a white guy I went out with looked at me and complimented me for being 'exotic' and would be surprised when we talked, because I'd actually had something to say. It was a strange hook-up, and after a while, I realized that he only stayed with me because it was a different experience being with a black guy. For example, when we went out together, I could tell he didn't want to be seen with me Today I know it was racism. There was a white guy whom I hooked up with sometimes who always asked if he could call me 'big black guy' during sex.
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Despite the fact that we studied at the same college and belonged to the same social class, he insisted on fetishizing me as being poor and uneducated. He would also always get angry if I didn't want to be dominant, because for him, that was the black guy's job during sex. I've heard that so many times that I've lost count. But being black is not a type, it's not something I chose or can change. Being communicative, funny, or athletic is a type. But being black is definitely not a type. And when some gay white guy is interested in getting together with me, the relationship is never made public; it's always hidden from friends, family, social networks.
It's obviously not just because of homophobia, because some of them were already out of the closet. Every time I'm approached, both in person and on social networks, either they reject you for being black, or they seek you out because of it. Gay guys always hit on me by complementing my physical traits or traits specific to black people, like my plump lips I hate when they just compliment my mouth; I'm much more than that , my large body, my penis which, for some reason, everybody thinks is gigantic.
- An Open Letter To Gay, White Men: No, You're Not Allowed To Have A Racial Preference | HuffPost;
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I feel that the objectification goes beyond the physical and is even behavioral. If you try to resist the stereotype, you're passed over, ignored, and left behind.
Wonky Wednesday: Racism in Gay Online Dating - National LGBTQ Task Force
An ex-boyfriend of mine would laugh when his friends made jokes about my hair. I thought it was fine and played along, but then I realized that it hurt. And, as a result, I started straightening my hair. What I would've liked is someone to have stood up for me and defended me.
Many times, I realize that because I'm black and gay, I'm seen as an exotic choice, but never attractive. And because of that, I found myself comparing myself to white men and asking myself why I wasn't like that, or how much easier everything would be if my skin was a bit lighter. It hurts a lot, because it's already difficult to be gay, and when you look in the mirror and see that your nose and your face aren't the norm, it gives the impression that you weren't made for that space, that that isn't your place. I really like to dance.
I was always extroverted, since I was small.