The burgeoning literature on gay men and parenthood has some strong links with the way relationships are increasingly conceived and idealised. Parenthood may also be tied up with particular relationship ideals that may make it difficult for men to negotiate, or disclose, sex with other partners.
An interesting US study among gay male couples with children found that agreements regarding sex with outside partners closely resembled those documented in studies of gay couples who were not parents. Rather, it is intended to highlight some of the trends in this research over the last few decades. The findings from this research identified innovative strategies to minimise risk of HIV from regular and casual partners. However, since being promoted by health promotion agencies, research has shown that these strategies are not always implemented as intended. A common theme across several of the studies included here is that communication is not always easy between partners, and that men do not always have a common understanding with their partner of the parameters of their agreement.
A small number of studies have investigated relationship ideals and aspirations, which may also be changing over time. There is greater need for further work on gay male kinship more broadly including forms that involve more than two people, and also perhaps on the sexual relationship possibilities that are enabled by new technologies that provide the opportunity for a blurring of the division between regular and casual partners. Maintenance of open gay relationships: AIDS Care , 4 4 , — Wagner, G. Prevalence of extradyadic sex in male couples of mixed HIV status and its relationship to psychological distress and relationship quality.
Journal of Homosexuality , 39 2 , 31— Somewhere over the rainbow: Journal of Sociology , 38 3 , — Families we choose: Lesbians, gays and kinship. Columbia University Press, Albany.
Cruising to familyland: Gay hypergamy and rainbow kinship. Current Sociology , 52 2 , — The families of man: Gay male intimacy and kinship in a global metropolis. Journal of Women in Culture and Society , 30 3 , — Gay parenthood and the decline of paternity as we knew it. Sexualities , 9 1 , 27— Love, marriage, and family values from West Hollywood to Western China.
Unprotected sex and HIV risk taking among young gay men within boyfriend relationships. Romantic ideation, partner-seeking, and HIV risk among young gay and bisexual men. Archives of Sexual Behavior , 41 2 , — Vulnerability to HIV among regular male partners and the social coding of intimacy in modern societies.
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Sustaining safe sex: AIDS , 7, — Negotiated Safety: Not Negotiable or Safe? Venereology , 9 2 , 98— Behavioral and cognitive barriers to safer sex between men in steady relationships: Sexual risk behaviour among gay men in a relationship. AIDS , 13 11 , — Journal of Sex Research. March 20 [Epub ahead of print]. AIDS Care , 18 2 , — Non-monogamy and sexual relationship quality among same-sex male couples.
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Arch Sex Behav , 42 2 , — Young gay men, sex, relationships and HIV risk. Abstract no. AIDS and Behaviour , 16 6 , — Relationship characteristics and motivations behind agreements among gay male couples: AIDS Care , 22 7 , — Exploring differences in relationship quality by agreement type and rule-breaking behavior. Journal of Homosexuality , 60 5 , — The Role of Perceived Discrepancies in Benefit. I recently spoke with a group of young Black gay men ages about some of the sexual health and health promotion efforts we are building.
Second, we need to improve intergenerational relationships and build better communication between younger and older adults.
Gay Relationships Study Shows Male Relationships Last the Longest
What are the relationships of young gay men like today? It can be surprisingly difficult to answer this question with confidence. Little research is being done on gay male couples—how they build and sustain their relationships, what they think about monogamy and marriage, what they believe about the attitudes of their peers.
We did a self-funded study in called Beyond Monogamy.
A New Study on Gay Relationships Identifies 4 Factors That Help Couples Last Longer
We wanted to know more about the experiences of long-term non-monogamous male couples. Because we were examining long-term relationships, we had, by definition, an older cohort participate in the study. This year, we completed our Choices study, which focused on gay men ages and explored attitudes and practices about monogamy and marriage. We discovered a lot of interesting things.
They also believe in marriage. Virtually all of our respondents believe that communicating with partners about their sexual lives is a vital part of having a successful relationship. Our study also affirmed the wonderful and creative diversity found in male couples. I think this is useful information for anyone working with gay men, and for young gay men themselves. These men have found many ways to build strong, healthy and loving relationships—strategies we believe would be useful for all populations. Even though we had heard anecdotally that younger men were interested in monogamy, we were surprised at how widespread this was.
We also heard that marriage is definitely becoming the norm. We thought perhaps this was a consequence of assimilation—being more integrated into the general population fueled a tendency to mimic traditional heterosexual models, including the expectation that couples would be monogamous. They were aware of other options and norms and were choosing to be monogamous.
Same-sex relationship
The men also brought considerable attention to strategies that would keep their relationship strong within a monogamous model. These included the importance of communicating honestly and regularly about such things as acknowledging attractions, how to cope with temptations to stray, and keeping their sex lives together active and satisfying over time. This commitment to ongoing communication brought a lot of depth to these relationships. A few respondents mentioned greater acceptance by family or greater respect from friends or the community at large.
In the quantitative part of this survey which we conducted first , a small but significant number of couples described themselves as monogamous even though they had occasional three-ways or sex with people outside the relationship. We were curious about this.
We conducted a second, qualitative survey in order to explore this. Twenty-five percent mostly played together and very occasionally saw other partners separately. Once again, communication was frequently cited as an essential element of making the monogamish approach successful. Respondents had a variety of reasons monogamish relationships worked for them. These included the opportunity to accommodate differences in sexual interests or libidos, and the chance to compensate for limitations related to health or disability.
Many enjoyed the added fun and excitement it brought to their sex lives. Others liked the way it kept their relationships fresh. More than half of these relationships started out as monogamous, then opened their relationships after some period of time. This was a trend we also saw in our earlier study of long-term non-monogamous couples. Half of those longer-term couples average relationship length 20 years started out monogamous and then opened their relationships later. On average, the longer-term couples began to consider themselves non-monogamous about seven years into the relationship.
Ways to approach non-monogamy are as varied as the couples themselves.