What were the hardest years? When did he get real? When did he make money? Twenty years after becoming successful, what did it feel like now?
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I gathered my information, came, and then went home to my basement. We maybe hung out romantically once more after that, but then it faded in a natural way.
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This kind of thing happened a couple dozen more times in my early 20s. A huge theme in all my work is confidence. From the moment you realize as a gay man who you are, whether it's a challenging process or not, you know maybe subconsciously that a lot of the world hates you. Some want you dead.
I knew it was harder for me to get what I wanted, and a lot of that was self-inflicted. I didn't think I deserved what I knew I wanted. What I was doing in my early 20s, by dating older men, was showing myself that maybe there was hope. That someday I could make some money and be successful and create a life for myself, just like these older men. It was a genuine sense of confidence from the inside. Most gay men never reach the end of this process, and many never start.
The gay confidence issue is both sad and interesting to me. I guess if we were completely self-assured, we would just be straight men who had sex with men. But maybe there is a stopping point. I never want to be so confident that I am making Planet of the Apes movies.
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Unless they are starring Laura Dern. I think I could do well with that. Watch the short below.
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